


Pardon

by ChickenXD



Series: Prey [2]
Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Attempted Murder, Family Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-10 20:13:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8937556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickenXD/pseuds/ChickenXD
Summary: basically a continuation of Prey, sort of?? in which Isa didn't die because of the train and the story moves on





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall i am still Shook tm from killing isa off like that last time here it is i'll try to. make it not end in death

“What are you doing?!”

Isa felt someone grab his arm, holding him back. Isa quickly turned around and tried to pry his hand off– 

“Let me go.”

 

The train was coming around now – he was certain everyone could hear it. 

“Why are you trying to jump?” Hitori shouted, “I asked you if you want to come with me and you refused for this?”

“This is not your issue, Uzune!”

Isa once again tried to shake Hitori off, but Hitori held onto him tightly. Hitori was much stronger than him, and soon enough he had knocked Isa off to the ground. 

The train finally arrived at the platform, and in that moment, it was as if time had frozen. 

The passengers at the train couldn’t help but turn to watch at Hitori and Isa fighting, while those in the station started reacting differently – some called for help, some took out their phones to call the police, others mostly just crowded between the two of them –

“Let go! Fucking let go!” Isa shouted, hitting Hitori with his free hand – “Let me die, Uzune!”

“Uzune-kun, Isa-san!” Kazuaki cried, “S… stop fighting!”

Isa tried to get up to escape the crowd, but Hitori continued to grab him, and this time, Kazuaki, as if noticing the urgency of the situation, also joined in and pushed Isa off to the ground. 

“Nanaki-kun, let me deal with this,” Hitori said, “Call Kawara-sensei! Hurry!”

“No! Don’t you dare!”

Isa landed a kick to Hitori’s stomach, and he reflexively let go of Isa’s arm – with that, Isa quickly darted off, heading for the tracks – only for two more railway workers to grab him and tackle him to the ground. 

“Let go!” Isa screamed, “Why do you guys care? I just want to die! Let me go!”

Isa continued to try to squirm his way out from the officers, but they were even stronger than Hitori, holding him down firmly to the ground. 

“Why?” he screamed, “I just want to die! Let me die!”

Isa heard the announcement from the speakers, and as he turned to look at the platform, the train was closing its doors, and leaving. 

Isa could only watch as the train quickly disappear from sight, the light from its headlights slowly disappearing into the tunnel.

“Why…”

 

In that moment, he felt helpless. 

The train that he had hoped would kill him had passed, and now everyone had taken notice of him – 

 

Millions of thoughts rushed through his mind at once.

Now that he’s been found, surely they’ll try to take him back to Tokyo, try to send him home. And his parents would despise him forever – for being the ‘ungrateful’ child that ran away from home, and almost killed himself. 

 

_ “You’re useless.” _

_ “We don’t want you here. Why did you bother coming back?” _

_ “It would’ve been better for you to die.” _

 

Not that they ever thought highly of him. For them, he’s probably just a puppet that would one day be used to serve his purposes. 

But thinking about it now, after everything he’s been through…

Isa couldn’t help but start crying. 

~•~

 

“Isa-kun?”

 

Ryuuji was standing in front of him, smiling. 

Isa couldn’t help but wonder if the scene in front of him was real – he looked down, Ryuuji was holding his hand. He could feel the warmth from Ryuuji’s hand, slowly creeping into his hand. 

Ryuuji slowly raised his hand to cup Isa’s cheeks, then leaned forward to kiss his forehead.

“Kawara-sensei?”

“Thank goodness,” Ryuuji muttered quietly, “I’m… I’m so happy.”

He looked up at Ryuuji then, and realized – 

Ryuuji was crying. 

 

Is this the afterlife? 

Are they both dead, and that’s why they’re here together? 

Didn’t Ryuuji say earlier in the morning that he didn’t want to be with Isa anymore? If that is so, the only logical explanation for him being here must’ve been because… 

 

_ “Am I dead?” _

He wanted to ask that, but just as in his other dreams – he couldn’t speak. 

Ryuuji kept crying though, his sobs slowly growing louder. 

Isa could hear it, it was definitely real – and it hurts.

Ryuuji has been so happy and warm all this time; he’s always comforted Isa, no matter the situation. To see him be sad like this – 

Isa gently used his fingers to wipe away Ryuuji’s tears, although they just kept coming.

_ “Ryuuji, what’s wrong?” _

~•~

 

Everything after what happened in the train station was a blur. 

He could remember being forcibly removed from the station, and the next thing he knew was that he was sitting in an office. 

The door creaked open behind him – he didn’t bother to look – a woman walked into the room and sat on the chair across from him.

 

“Ichijou Utsuro?”

Isa didn’t reply.

“My name’s Yuuko,” she introduced with a little smile, “I’m a detective at this station.”

Isa shot her a glance – she was still young, about twenty five at most, Isa would say – her smooth long black hair fell up to her shoulders. She wasn’t in uniform – she was just wearing a pink hoodie and brown tights. 

“We’re not going to ship you back to Tokyo until we hear your explanation,” she said patiently, “A certain someone had requested that from us, and I believe we should give you… and him, the benefit of the doubt.”

“...him?”

“Do you by any chance know Kawara-san?”

Isa immediately looked up at her, almost jumping out of his chair.

“Where is he?”

“He turned himself in for murder, this morning.”

“Can I…” 

Isa stopped himself from finishing that sentence. 

Even if he was to request to meet Ryuuji, what good would it do? Ryuuji had said earlier that he didn’t want Isa anymore. 

Ryuuji would probably just refuse to see him. Or not talk to him at all even when they’re in the same room.

 

“...frankly, I’d let you.”

Isa turned to Yuuko, surprised. 

“I know he’s turned himself in for murder, and if we conduct an investigation, we’ll probably just cement that conclusion,” she explained, “But I can tell that he deeply cares about you.

“In fact, I believe the only reason he’s turned himself in is you, Ichijou-san.”

Yuuko leaned in closer to Isa with a somewhat cunning, yet sincere smile on her face.

“I’ll sweep his case under the rug, while nobody else knows yet,” she whispered, “But you have to go back to Tokyo, to your parents.”

“I don’t want to go home,” Isa replied, “I just want to be with him.”

“You can take him with you if you want.”

Isa fell silent at this proposition. 

“You must’ve run away from home because of something serious,” she said, “This is your chance to resolve it.”

“I can’t do it,” Isa replied, “I’m not... I’m not strong enough.”

She stared at him for a while, letting the silence hang in the air, before she sighed and got up to leave.

 

“Isa.”

Isa immediately turned around upon hearing the familiar voice, right behind him.

Ryuuji was standing there, his eyes looking swollen from crying.

“Isa,” Ryuuji called him again, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing – “Isa…”

“Kawa…”

Without another word, Ryuuji rushed forward, holding Isa tightly into his arms. 

The familiar warmth form Ryuuji engulfed Isa in that moment, calming him down immediately – 

And for some reason, he felt a strong urge to cry. 

“Isa,” he sobbed, “Isa, Isa, I’m so, so glad you’re okay…”

“Kawara-sensei…”

“I’m sorry,” Ryuuji sobbed, “I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I… I just wanted to try to help you, but… but now that I think about it, I…”

“I was wrong. I’m sorry.” Ryuuji gasped, trying to catch his breath – “I’m… I’m sorry, Isa. I’ll never do that again. Please don’t die. I don’t want to be the person who killed you, too…”

 

_...what was I thinking? _

Now that he had Ryuuji so close by him, Isa couldn’t help but wonder that. 

 

_ Why did I think… how could I think that he hates me?  _

_ He’s… too nice of a person to do that. I was an idiot for thinking that. I… _

 

Ryuuji proceeded to kiss Isa on the forehead, before looking at him.

_ Ryuuji is such a mess _ , Isa couldn’t help but think – his face was wet with tears, his breathing was heavy, his voice hoarse –

“Isa…” Ryuuji hugged Isa again, more tightly this time, “I’m sorry. I won’t let you go again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

 

It was truly terrifying. 

As soon as Ryuuji hung up, he could tell something wasn’t right. Isa was crying on the phone, and talking about such self-deprecating things – 

When a mere fifteen minutes later someone came in informing Yuuko that Ichijou Utsuro attempted suicide by jumping off the platform, it felt as if reality just pierced through his heart and left him there to die.

 

“I thought… I thought I’d never see you again…”

Isa looked up to Ryuuji, gently cupping his cheeks – 

 

It felt so strange. Never in his life had anyone cried for him like this – 

He’s gotten used to the cold, lonely nights when he’d just huddle up alone in the corner of his room, crying,

Feeling so dirty and guilty, wanting to die.

 

“Isa, I don’t want you to die,” Ryuuji cried, “I’m… I’m sorry for what I did. I just thought I didn’t want to accidentally hurt you, and I ended up hurting you even more…”

“Kawara-sensei,” Isa said, his voice on the verge of breaking, “I’m… I’m sorry, too.”

“Don’t say that! I’m glad you’re okay,” Ryuuji replied with a smile, “Let’s just… let’s just not do this again to each other, okay?”

“Please stay with me from now on, Kawara-sensei.”

“I’m never letting you go again,” Ryuuji replied as he held Isa tight in his arms, “They’re going to have to step over my dead body to get to you, okay?

“You’re… you’re everything I’ve got, Isa,” Ryuuji said, “I’ll do anything for you, as long as you’re safe and happy, okay?”

Isa slowly gave a nod as he snuggled into Ryuuji’s warmth – 

“You don’t have to fight alone, Isa. I’m here for you.”

He could faintly hear Ryuuji’s heart, could register his scent – 

And somehow, he had a feeling that everything was going to be okay.

_ At least he’s here, _ Isa thought.  _ Maybe it’ll be fine. _


	2. Chapter 2

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Isa nodded as he looked up to Yuuko. Ryuuji was sitting next to him, holding his hand. 

“According to Kawara, you were raped.”

Isa nodded slowly. 

“It was… a few years ago,” Isa said slowly, “I don’t know. It usually happens in a party. When my parents aren’t watching they… they would take me into another room and do it.”

 

Isa could still remember it as if it was still yesterday.

Maybe it was just such a traumatic experience that it had been seared in his mind forever...

_ “You’re a pretty boy, you know that?” _

_ “Would be good if we can just do this all night. What time do you need to be home?” _

 

Ryuuji could begin to feel Isa’s hand trembling, and gently stroked his hand.

“Isa,” he called, “It’s okay.”

Isa turned to look at him for a second, and then looked at Yuuko, before letting out a sigh.

“I… I’m fine.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“I don’t know,” Isa replied, “It’s just… before I knew it, I barely had any control. I couldn’t stop it. I…”

Suddenly Isa let out a choked sob, and covered his face with his hands.

This is the worst case scenario he’d always pictured – that someone would find out, and try to force the information out of him, and if he told them, his rapists would come after him to kill him. 

He felt… ashamed, guilty.

 

“Detective, let’s stop this for now.”

Ryuuji brought Isa into his arms, gently patting his back. Yuuko got up as well, approaching them.

“I don’t want to go home,” Isa whimpered, “I’m scared.”

~•~

Every life is precious.

Ryuuji had known this since a long time ago, even before he discovered that he could accidentally black out and kill someone – but now the fact was just further hammered into his mind. 

The fact that Isa was still alive was… no less than a miracle.

 

But still, he couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy.

What if Isa disappears again? What if Isa dies?

He couldn’t keep the thought out of his mind – thinking of the possibility that Isa might die was… too much. 

~•~

The police department had arranged for the two of them to go into an apartment on the other side of the city. Seems like it’s owned by the local government or something, and the police had been using them to hold people sort of as temporary housing for those in custody.

It was a really basic apartment, but Ryuuji was in no position to complain, because he had to admit this place is slightly better than his apartment. It’s got the bare minimums – a TV, a bed, fridge with some food. They’ve also made sure the place was pretty safe – no knifes, all the drinkware and plates were plastic, and the windows can’t be opened. A pretty good measure considering Ryuuji just killed people and Isa was that close to killing himself. No walls or any kind of partition at all between the rooms, though. 

Once inside, Isa immediately headed for the bed and buried himself under the blanket. Ryuuji let him, taking his time to get settled – he put down Isa’s backpack by the table and also his own set of things, before turning to boil some water in an electric kettle. 

 

His mind, for some reason, started replaying the bit of conversation he had earlier.

“I understand why you’re worried,” Yuuko told him, “I wouldn’t want to accidentally kill someone I care about either, but right now, if anyone’s going to help him, it’s you.”

“Detective, I’m not fit for the task.”

“Well then tell me, who is?”

Ryuuji fell silent, trying to find an answer in his head.

“Look,” she said with a sigh, “He’s agreed to this. We’ll let you go for now, but please help him. Can’t you see that the moment you leave him, he just goes back to being depressed?

“He needs you, Kawara.”

 

The kettle turned off by itself when the water’s boiled, snapping Ryuuji out of his thoughts. 

Ryuuji opened the cupboards, and found a few packs of tea and coffee. He put a teabag into the mug, and poured water into it. 

“Isa?” Ryuuji asked as he walked over to the bed, “I made you tea.”

Ryuuji sat down on the bed next to Isa, gently patting Isa’s back. Isa didn’t turn around, though, so Ryuuji placed the mug on the nightstand and lay down next to Isa.

Isa finally turned around, looking at Ryuuji with a little smile on his lips. Ryuuji wrapped an arm around Isa’s body, pulling him closer. 

“Long day, huh?” he asked, “I’m glad you’re safe, Isa.”

“Sorry I made you worry,” Isa replied, “I… I just thought that you didn’t want me anymore.”

“I never said that,” Ryuuji replied, “I just said I don’t want you to be involved in the killings I did.”

“Still…”

“Shh…” Ryuuji shook his head as he buried his head in Isa’s hair, “Let’s just forget about it.”

 

It was quiet for a while. 

Isa couldn’t help but stare at Ryuuji’s face – his eyes were closed, his face seemed fully relaxed. It felt so calming to listen to Ryuuji’s breath, to just bask in his warmth. 

It felt so dark and cold earlier when he was at the station, about to jump, and this situation was the exact opposite of that. 

Maybe, just maybe, things aren’t as bad as they seem.

 

_ This feels… perfect,  _ Isa couldn’t help but think –  _ if we can just continue to exist like this forever…  _

_ I don’t want to ever leave him.  _

_ Who cares if the world’s going to get destroyed, as long as he’s by my side. _

 

“Kawara-sensei.”

“You can just call me Ryuuji, you know?”

“Ryuuji,” Isa corrected himself, and he could see a faint smile form at Ryuuji’s lips.

“What is it, darling?”

“Say, if… if I died,” Isa said, “What would you do?”

Ryuuji fell silent at this question, as if pondering it seriously. Isa couldn’t help but be a little nervous at what Ryuuji might say…

“...I don’t know,” Ryuuji replied, “I honestly don’t know.”

“Really?”

“Probably try to jump after you.”

 

“...but why?”

Ryuuji could feel Isa trembling in his arms, and had to open his eyes. 

Isa wasn’t exactly crying, but he could see the tears welling up in his eyes.

“Don’t cry, Isa,” Ryuuji said, gently wiping his tears, “You’ve cried enough today.”

“Why though?” Isa asked, “I’m… I’m not worth it.”

“Are you kidding? You’ve been the only one who can look at me the same way after I tried to kill you.”

“But that’s because…”

“Shh.” Ryuuji kissed Isa on the forehead, “It’s okay, now. Just go to sleep.”

...somehow, hearing Ryuuji say that made Isa calm, and soon he was asleep.

~•~

 

The long journey is finally coming to an end. 

The journey he started alone on that rainy day, just over a week ago. 

So much has changed, and all of it thanks to Ryuuji. If he had taken another train then, or sat somewhere else, maybe nobody would have stopped him. He would’ve gone somewhere else, slit his throat, and died quietly.

Is this better?

...Isa knew that it would certainly be simpler if he had been dead. He wouldn’t have to deal with the police, wouldn’t have to deal with his parents again...

...meeting Ryuuji has made it worth it, though.

  
  


Ryuuji held Isa’s hand so hard that Isa could see the tips of his fingers turning white. It hurts a little, but Isa decided that it’s okay.

“Are you hungry, Isa-kun?” Ryuuji asked as they passed by a convenience store.

“I’m fine.”

“You know what, I’ll get us both something,” Ryuuji said, “Ice cream?”

Isa just gave a nod. That said, they both walked in. 

As they passed by the newspaper stand he saw a paper that was talking about him being found. Isa couldn’t help but be tempted to pick it up – 

 

**“Ichijou Utsuro had been found in Hachiman after an apparent suicide attempt. The local police department had put him under custody along with a man who’s met him while he was in Hachiman, Kawara Ryuuji (29). A detective has cited Ichijou’s reason for running away from home to be abuse and trauma, although she refuses to elaborate further on this point as Ichijou had requested this information not be disclosed.”**

 

“Isa-kun!”

Isa turned to Ryuuji, who was by the fridge section.

“What flavor do you want?” 

“Uh… anything’s fine,” Isa replied, “Strawberry, maybe.”

Ryuuji quickly turned around and took a pack of strawberry ice cream, and taking green tea ice cream for himself. Isa turned to look at the newspaper again – 

His high school student ID picture was on the front page, and also a picture of Ryuuji next to him.

 

**“The prime minister has refused to comment on the ‘abuse and trauma’ Ichijou may have endured at home, however the prime minister’s wife seems to be in shock over this news.”**

 

Isa sighed as he put the newspaper back on the rack. He noticed that one of the shopkeepers was watching him – probably realizing how much he resembles that Ichijou Utsuro who’s on TV, but also too scared to call him out.

Ryuuji walked towards Isa a few minutes later, holding a basket full with snacks – ice cream, chips, candy – you name it.

“You can buy that newspaper if you want.”

Isa shook his head, “I’m about to experience it firsthand anyway.”

 

Ryuuji stared at Isa for a while, before smiling and gently ruffling his hair. Isa couldn’t help but blush at this sudden display of affection, but whatever. It feels nice anyway.

“You’re the strongest boy I know, Isa.”

“No I’m not,” Isa shot back, “I never would’ve done this by myself. I’m… I’m just a weak coward who tried to end all my problems by ending myself.”

“But you didn’t,” Ryuuji said, “You persevered, and you’re going to resolve this.

“I’m so proud of you.”

“This is all because of you,” Isa replied, “If it hadn’t been for you, I… probably won’t be here right now.

“You saved me, Ryuuji. Thank you.”

Ryuuji only smiled as he held Isa tight in his arms. 

“So did you, Isa.

 

“Come on, the train’s almost here.”

Ryuuji quickly paid for all the food – the cashier couldn’t help but stare at the two of them for a while before deciding to just shrug it off, and continued scanning the items. 

 

The journey’s coming to an end.

But is it really the end he’d wanted? Is this truly for the best?

 

Isa could remember the day when he decided to run away from home, the feeling of uncertainty in his heart, the fear –

As he boarded the train, he could feel it again. 

_ What’s going to happen now? _

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

It’s sunny outside today. 

Isa was sleeping, his head leaning against Ryuuji’s shoulder. Ryuuji had an arm around Isa’s shoulder, securely holding him close. 

So much has happened, and all of that was thanks to Isa. 

He still couldn’t shake off the feeling that he and Isa belong in different worlds, and right now he’s just standing in limbo, unsure where to go. 

The bright, beautiful world Isa belongs in, and the dark, gloomy world that Ryuuji’s stuck in. 

Isa has now invited him to cross over that boundary and step into that brightness, but there’s a delicate balance between them that Ryuuji was too scared to break. 

 

But Isa wants to stay with him forever, and Ryuuji does, too. 

_ This is why I turned myself in _ , Ryuuji thought,  _ I don’t want to hurt him. He’s gone through so much, and stayed strong… _

_ I want to stay with him and support him, no matter what happens. _

 

Ryuuji gently took Isa’s hand and gently stroked it.

“I love you,” he whispered, knowing full well Isa wouldn’t be able to hear him.

~•~

Isa slowly walked up to the door of his house, with Ryuuji walking behind him. 

When they arrived at the doorstep, Isa raised his hand to knock the door – 

 

_ No _ !

His mind was screaming for him to stop. 

_ This is wrong. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. _

_ Turn away. Run.  _

_ Run as fast as you can.  _

_ I have to do it. I have to do it. _

_ This is wrong. _

 

“Isa?”

Ryuuji walked forward, taking Isa’s trembling hand off the door. Isa looked up to him and gulped.

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s not your fault,” Ryuuji said, “We don’t have to do this.”

Isa looked up at the door in front of him – 

This is the same door he usually goes in and out of. When he left the home, he’d left through this door as well – 

Now it felt so ominous, towering over him.

 

That’s why he’s decided to run away. Because that was what his mind told him to, in order to protect him.

_ This place is ruining you, _ he thought,  _ you have to get away from here. _

But maybe it’s time to try to confront his past, try to make things right again.

The two motivations clashed in his mind. Protect himself and run away, or try to resolve this.

 

“...should I knock it for you?”

“I… I don’t know,” Isa replied, “I don’t think I’m ready…”

“It’s okay,” Ryuuji said patiently, “We can…”

Suddenly the door opened in front of them, though, and a man stepped out.

 

A man stepped out – he was wearing a black suit, and Ryuuji immediately noticed that he had a walkie talkie hanging from his belt. Must be a bodyguard.

“Master Utsuro,” he greeted as he bowed respectfully to Utsuro, “It’s great to see you’ve finally come home.”

Utsuro didn’t say anything, but Ryuuji could tell from his face that he was crestfallen. Ryuuji could understand, though, mustering up all that courage and strength to not even be greeted by your family...

Ryuuji gently placed a hand on Isa’s shoulder, trying to console him, but Isa just sighed as he looked down at the ground.

“Doctor Kawara, isn’t it?” He turned to Ryuuji, “Thank you for bringing him home.”

“Ah, uh…” Ryuuji forced out a smile, “It’s… nothing.”

“I certainly hope he hasn’t given you too much trouble,” he said, “I really appreciate what you do.

“Now, come on in, master.”

“Uh, sorry...” Isa called, finally bringing himself to look up to the man – ”Can Ryuuji come with us?”

He was silent for a while as he looked at Isa, and then sighed as he shook his head.

“Sorry, master, that’s against the security protocol.”

“But…”

He quickly grabbed Isa’s arm, and almost forcefully pulled him into the house.

“Thank you so much, doctor,” he told Ryuuji again,

And just like that, the guard pulled Isa in, and the door was shut.

 

It feels awfully silent. 

He’s always thought Isa and him doesn’t deserve to exists in the same plane of existence, that Isa deserved a world much better than his – 

And this has proved it. 

He’s not even allowed to take a step in that world. He’s not needed. 

Isa has left the intersection of the two worlds and gone into the world he deserves, 

And Ryuuji was left alone at the crossroads, waiting for him to come back.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

Tokyo is a beautiful city. 

Ryuuji sat down on the bench by the station, and looked around at the city. There were a lot of people on the streets, each of them unique – some were wearing normal work clothes, there were also kids in high school uniforms who’d just come back from school, probably, and then there were the eccentric people. Those who colored their hair in various colors, or those wearing lolita styles, gyaru styles, or dressing up like some kind of rock band from the 80s.

Sometimes Ryuuji couldn’t help but wonder about his place in society. 

On the surface, he’s probably the first group – the people wearing normal work clothes. Those who leave home early in the morning, take the train, go to their workplace, and afterwards take the same train to go home, sleep, and repeat the same routine the next day. 

That’s what he’s been doing – because he needed that to go on.

Ryuuji knew full well that he’s… different, atypical. 

His sudden, random killings, and unbridled emotion. 

Not only does it make for embarrassing public display, it gives him trouble adapting to society, too. 

So he had to pretend to shut that all off. 

Find himself a job at the university, go there to teach everyday, and then come home, go to sleep. Wake up, rinse and repeat. 

 

Having Isa there perhaps reminded him of who he could be, who he should be. 

...it definitely feels strange to not have him around. 

_ What is he doing now? I hope everything’s fine. _

 

Ryuuji got up from his seat and started walking around the station. It’s close to dinner time, so he should try to find somewhere to sleep in tonight.

He’s not exactly planning to go back to Hachiman soon. Maybe it’s going to be pointless, considering how cold he was treated by those guards at Isa’s house, 

But hey, maybe something will come up. Maybe he’ll get to sneak into the house or something. 

Either way, he did feel like he needed to stay for a while. 

He’d emailed the university earlier that he’d be taking some time off, with everything that’s been going on, but didn’t get a reply yet. 

He stopped at a shop and bought himself a hotdog pretzel and coke, then sat down inside the shop. There’s a TV in the corner, broadcasting news.

“We have received a statement that Ichijou Utsuro has finally returned home. There has been no further information from the prime minister’s family. There has been a lot of questions about the statement that he ran away because of ‘abuse and trauma’, but at this point I don’t think we’d get any answers at this point.”

~•~

Isa was sitting in his room when he heard the door click open, and he saw his parents come in. 

“Utsuro!” his mother quickly exclaimed, and rushed to him – “Where did you go? We were worried about you!”

_ No you weren’t _ , Isa thought, but let her hug him anyway. His father was just standing by the door, watching them. 

“You’re not hurt or anything, are you? I think you’ve lost weight…”

“I’m fine,” Isa replied, slightly pushing her away. 

“Who’s that guy the newspaper mentioned?”

“I stayed with him for a few days,” Isa replied, “That’s all.”

“So he’s returned to Hachiman?”

Isa nodded, though he quietly hoped that wasn’t true.

“And what was that about abuse and trauma? Did you really say that?”

Isa didn’t reply. 

“Don’t say something like that,” his mum said, “It reflects badly, not only on your dad’s reputation, but also yours, okay?”

“You should come downstairs. Some of the other parliament members are here,” his father said, “Let them know you’re okay.”

Isa nodded as he got up from the bed, and headed downstairs with his parents.

 

A few men in their suits were downstairs, gathered around the dinner table. They turned to look as the three of them walked down the stairs – 

“Oh, look at who’s home!” 

As they all turned around to look at him, Utsuro couldn’t help but freeze at his spot – 

 

_ “You’re a pretty boy. _

_ “If you dare tell anyone, I’ll kill you.” _

 

_ It’s him.  _

_ Why is he here? _

 

His mind was screaming, telling him to run away, and he could feel a surge of adrenaline from the fight or flight reaction –

And yet he couldn’t do anything but stand in place, finding his whole body paralyzed in fear. 

 

“Your parents are worried sick, you know.”

The man stepped forward, grabbing Isa’s shoulder, and Isa could feel himself shudder, all his hairs stood – 

His immediate instinct was to slap his hand away, but then another part of his mind was telling him not to – his parents are there, after all – 

“You shouldn’t do that again, you know? Just running off and living with some random guy like that, it could be dangerous.”

Isa simply nodded without saying anything – frankly, he was too afraid to. 

He just wanted to leave as soon as he could, and not deal with this man anymore.

“You know, Utsuro, if anything’s wrong, you can tell us.” The man’s hand crept down to Isa’s waist – “We’re all ears.”

“...nothing,” Isa replied nervously, “Nothing… nothing’s wrong.”

“Really?”

Isa was too scared to look up at the man’s face, but… he must be smiling. 

Isa felt sick to his stomach. He felt like if he stayed there any longer, he could start crying…

“...I’m fine.” 

That said, he brushed off the man’s hand, and walked back upstairs. 

 

_ “You’re a pretty boy, you know that?” _

_ The man placed a kiss on Utsuro’s lips while his other hand turned to undress him. Utsuro tried to grab his hand so that he would stop, but he’s an adult – of course he was much stronger, and before long he found himself naked. _

_ “Look at you. You’ve got such a beautiful body.” _

_ He pushed Utsuro to the bed facefirst and held both his hands behind his back as he too started taking off his pants.  _

_ “Stop,” Utsuro cried out – he couldn’t see anything, but he was scared. _

_ The room was dark and cold – all he could hear was his own breathing and the voice of the man above him. His hand snaked around his back, and no matter how much Utsuro’s mind was revolting, telling him this is wrong, his body couldn’t help but be aroused under the touch –   _

 

Isa hurried back into his room, slammed his door shut, and locked it.

He quickly ran to the bathroom, knelt down by the toilet, and threw up. 

He had no idea why. At some point everything was just… too much. 

He vomited some of the food he ate earlier, and it hurts – the contraction of his muscles to reverse the digestion system, it all hurt his chest, his throat – 

 

_ He felt hazy as he was taken out of the room and ushered back into the party.  _

_ He felt… dirty and spent.  _

_ Those men came inside his ass, inside his mouth, jerked him off – he didn’t even know if he had cleaned up properly. Before he knew it, they’d put his clothes back on him and taken him out. _

_ The party felt like another world. Everything is brightly lit, everyone is smiling and laughing happily – _

 

Isa sat down on the floor, and started crying. 

He felt… disgusted with himself. 

_ How could I have done such a thing? Why didn’t I try to stop them? _

_ They… they came inside me, fucked me, and I… I shouldn’t but I enjoyed it. It wasn’t my choice, but the fact is I did. _

_ How could I be such a dirty, disgusting person?  _

_ I don’t want this. I never asked for this, I just… I just want to make love to the people I choose and… _

_ And in fact, I’m… I’m just a whore.  _

_ I’m disgusting.  _

 

Isa buried his face in his hands, and started sobbing. 

_ “He wouldn’t do something like that. _

_ “Stop making these things up, Utsuro.” _

 

“Ryuuji…”

_ But he’s… he’s so far away. He’s probably gone back to his home right now. _

_ There’s no reason for him to stay. Why would I, such a disgusting person, try to ask Ryuuji for help? There’s no way he would help.  _

_ He’s probably sick of me staying at his house too. Sick of me trying to get him to have sex with me.  _

_ I thought that with him, I… finally have a choice, about who I want to be, but… _

_ Who am I kidding?  _

_ Someone like me can’t be saved. _

 

_ I want to forget everything. I want everything to… die, to disappear.  _

_ I’m sick of everything. _

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

Following Kazuaki’s advice, Ryuuji found himself an internet cafe to stay in for the night. 

The lady at the front desk found it rather peculiar that a man as old as Ryuuji was spending the night in an internet cafe, he didn’t say anything. Usually his customers are about college or high school age, so Ryuuji stood out from the rest of them. He was really well dressed too, wearing a red shirt and dress pants like a normal office worker would; a pleasant deviation from the sloppily dressed students. 

She filled out the necessary paperwork and checked Ryuuji’s ID without saying a word.  _ Probably just running away from his girlfriend _ , she thought. Ryuuji was able to pay ahead too, so all doubts about him being a homeless person trying to find free lodging was gone. 

 

The booth he rented was really small, but then Ryuuji reminded himself that he’ll only be here for a week at most, and felt slightly better. 

He set down his backpack at the corner and sat down in front of the computer. He took a few minutes to try to understand what softwares were installed and whatnot before finally finding Skype there. 

_ “Kawara-sensei!” _

Kazuaki’s face appeared on the screen, and Hitori was in the background, cleaning the room. 

“How’s it going? Is Isa-san with you?”

“No, I returned him home.”

_ “Did you meet his parents?” _

“No, a guard opened the door.”

Hitori walked forward, so that his face was clearer to the camera. 

_ “Are you going to tell anyone the truth?”  _ Hitori asked,  _ “About him being raped and all?” _

“I mean, I don’t know if I should,” Ryuuji replied, “I don’t want Isa to be… uncomfortable. I think he should decide if he wants to talk about it.”

_“I see_.” Hitori paused – _“You know, we can also spread it on the internet. Get the rumors going, and eventually the rapist will have to say something.”_

“I’ll talk to Isa about it.”

_ “You need to be careful to, sensei, since they published your name and photo on the news,”  _ Hitori went on,  _ “Someone might try to silence you too.” _

_ “You really think so, Uzune-kun?” _

_ “I mean, I would want to if I’ve done something.” _

_ “Th… that’s scary, Uzune-kun!” _

_ “When will you be back, sensei?” _

“I don’t know, but I asked for a week off.”

_ “Does this mean our test is cancelled?”  _ Kazuaki asked excitedly,  _ “Will you also extend the deadline for our report?” _

“I guess. I’ll think about it.”

_ “Yayy~ _

_ “Oh, sensei, can you also buy something for me now that you’re in Tokyo? I’ll pay you back!” _

_ “Nanaki-kun, are you really going to ask sensei to buy your 2D porn?” _

_ “Eh, no, that’s not what I intended! It’s just that Comiket ends tomorrow…” _

_ “Anyway, tell us if you need help,”  _ Hitori said,  _ “We’ll hang up now.” _

Ryuuji waved his hand at the camera until the two of them hung up. 

It was quiet again, and Ryuuji let out a sigh. 

Usually, when he turns around, Isa is there. Even though he’s just quietly reading something or watching TV, his presence always calms Ryuuji down…

He’s forgotten what it’s like to live alone. How does he usually manage without Isa?

Ryuuji decided to just go to sleep. He popped open the chair that unfolds into a small flat bed. Pretty elementary, but what else has he got. 

 

_ Right, Isa didn’t bring his phone when he came to Hachiman, so I don’t know his number… _

_ I wonder if I can just come to the door and ask to see him.  _

_ I miss him. More than I thought I would.  _

Ryuuji sighed as he rolled around in his bed. He decided to go to sleep so that he wouldn’t think about Isa, but still…

Ryuuji tried to close his eyes again, tried to clear his mind so that he could sleep. 

 

_ Think about something happy, Ryuuji. Think about…  _

_ Oh, now that I’m in Tokyo, I should visit some of my friends who moved here. Maybe go find some good food to eat, go to a festival. Not that anything’s coming up, but who knows… _

 

Suddenly an image appeared at the back of his mind –

Isa was sitting alone on his bed, hugging his knees and crying. 

 

Ryuuji opened his eyes again, staring into the darkness in front of him. 

 

_ If only Isa is here.  _

_ If only I know he’s okay.  _

~•~

“Utsuro?”

Isa only sighed as he got up from his bed to see his mother come into the room.

“You’ve been in bed all day,” she sighed, “Come on. My friends are coming for lunch in an hour.”

“I’m not feeling too well,” Isa replied, “It’s fine, I’ll stay here.”

Isa knew he wasn’t just making an excuse – after that… emotional breakdown last night, he’s been feeling nauseous all day. 

“Do you need to see a doctor or something?”

“I’ll just try to sleep it off. It’s fine.”

“Anyway, just say hi to them like you did last night with dad’s friends,” she asked again, “Please?”

Isa only groaned as he got up. There’s nobody in his mother’s friend circle that he particularly hates or has done anything to him, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt. 

“There you go,” she praised him, “Wear something that looks presentable, okay? Should I choose it for you?”

Isa shook his head as he headed for the wardrobe – his mother stepped out of the room then.

~•~

_ I shouldn’t wear something that stands out. _

Ryuuji went through all his clothes to find what would be appropriate – most of the clothes he brought along were either casual clothes or work clothes, so that should be fine. He also packed a fisherman hat, so that should be able to cover most of his hair – his blue hair would probably draw attention. 

He wore a simple white shirt, a black jacket, black boots, and jeans. Something like this should be fine, right?

On top of his concerns were that reporters would recognize him and try to interview him, but that aside, the goal today is to visit the Ichijou estate again and try to see Isa. Yes, the chances he’ll be allowed to are pretty slim, but then what’s the worse that could happen, him getting kicked out? That’s nothing. 

Ryuuji also was somewhat relying on the possibility that they’d recognize him as the person who brought Isa home and let him through, though.

 

It’s a sunny day outside.

Ryuuji stopped by a bakery near the internet cafe and bought himself a couple of donuts and also a cup of coffee. There weren’t a lot of other people in the shop, since most of the people who came here mostly bought food to go.

Once he was done eating, Ryuuji decided to buy a pack of cookies to give Isa later. The store clerk seemed happy that he found their sweets good enough that he bought more.

 

He set off on his way to Isa’s house after that. He was just there yesterday, so he still somewhat remembered the way…

It’s not located in the heart of town, but definitely somewhere closer to where all the government buildings are. 

Ryuuji walked up to the door, knocked, and patiently waited. 

Considering what happened yesterday, the door will probably be opened by one of the guards. Now that he thought about it, he should’ve bought more cookies so that he can butter up the guards and maybe they’ll let him in – 

Ryuuji waited for about five minutes before a guard finally opens the door. Was he the same guard from yesterday? Ryuuji had no idea – he wasn’t really paying attention.

“Good morning!”

“Good morning, Mr. Kawara,” the guard greeted, cold and professional – “How can we help you today?”

“Oh, you know me?”

“Of course. You brought home Master Utsuro after all.”

“Ah, I’m here to meet Utsuro,” Ryuuji stated, giving the guard his biggest, friendliest smile – “I just want to check on him.”

“That’s very kind of you,” the guard replied, “Unfortunately, our protocol prohibits any guests that have not cleared the background check.”

“Oh, so…” Ryuuji sighed as he scratched his head, “Where do I get one of those done?”

“You’ll first need to make an appointment with the prime minister, and then we’ll conduct the background check. With our current situation, it takes about three weeks, and…”

“Eh, that sounds complicated,” Ryuuji remarked, “But basically what you’re saying is that I won’t get to see Isa… Utsuro today?”

The guard nodded, “Yes, sir.”

“Well, then, you can just… tell him I said hi, right?” Ryuuji quickly handed him the pack of cookies – “And... can you please give this to him?”

The guard looked at the pack for a second, as if examining it, and Ryuuji was immediately nervous.

“I just bought this an hour ago! It’s really fresh! And not poisoned, I swear!”

“Is that so,” the bodyguard said as he took the package – “I’ll ask my supervisor if it’s okay to give this to him, then. I’ll also be sure to pass your message.”

“Thank you so much!” Ryuuji replied as he started to walk away, “And I’ll try to get the background check done before I come again.”

“I would appreciate that, Mr. Kawara.”

 

_ Well, that’s disappointing, but what can you do.  _

_ He’s the son of the prime minister, after all, so it only makes sense that he’d have that level of protection. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him either. _

Ryuuji looked at his watch as he boarded the train back – it was close to 12 PM. Maybe he’ll just take a walk around town while looking for something to eat. 

 

“Hey, Nanaki-kun, I’m free right now,” Ryuuji texted, “What is it you want me to buy?”

_ “Oh… just a few comic books,”  _ Kazuaki replied almost immediately –  _ “You don’t have to if you don’t have time, Kawara-sensei.” _

“Where do I buy them? As long as it’s not far, I can go.”

_ “It’s at Tokyo Big Sight.” _

Ryuuji turned to open his GPS – he’ll have to switch trains in a few stations, but then he should get there easily.

_ “Oh, and here are all the books I want to buy.” _

The test following that was approximately ten lines – the book titles, which booth to get them at, the name of the artist, and even the price was included in the message. 

_ “It’s okay if you can’t find them though, Kawara-sensei! Thank you so much!” _

“I’ll try my best.”

 

No more texts came from Nanaki then, so Ryuuji switched back to the GPS application. It seems like the station is coming up – 

The train stopped, and Ryuuji quickly hopped off the train. He started walking around the platform to find the way to the train he was supposed to switch into –

“Alright, so the red line is…” Ryuuji traced the words on the screen with his fingers as he read – “Third floor, and I’m on the second floor. So I’ll go down. The train will be here in five minutes, huh?”

So the first thing to do is to find an elevator to go down a floor. Ryuuji looked at the signs around him to find one that leads to the red line – 

 

Suddenly he felt a sharp pain on his chest – a pain like he’d never experienced before. 

He quickly clutched his chest and looked down, and – 

There was blood, seeping through his shirt and onto his jacket. 

 

Ryuuji immediately felt dizzy and fell to the floor, still clutching his chest. 

What is this pain, and what caused it? It couldn’t have been a heart attack.

The crowd around him was beginning to notice something, and some people rushed to him while others stood around, watching.

“Sir?” someone asked him – ”Sir, are you okay?”

Ryuuji gave a nod, but frankly, he wasn’t sure. The pain was still there, and the blood was getting to his hands too – 

 

“His back is bleeding.”

“Call the police! Someone call the police!”

“Did someone stab him?”

 

_...stabbed? _

_ Someone among the crowd… tried to kill me? _

 

Before Ryuuji could think of anything more, his body suddenly felt light, and everything went dark. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Ryuuji remembered something from a long, long time ago. 

He was standing in the middle of a forest, and in front of him was a little boy and a woman. 

The boy is crying, for some reason. 

 

“Sorry, mum,” he cried, “I… I really didn’t mean to punch him.”

“The teacher said he kicked you first, so it’s not entirely your fault,” she said, “But don’t do that again, okay Ryuuji? It hurts people, and you shouldn’t do that.”

“I don’t want to hurt people,” he said, “I… I want to help people! I want to be a good person!”

“You’re a good boy, Ryuuji,” she said, gently petting his head, “The fact that you’re sorry about what you did means you’re still a good boy. Nobody is perfect, so don’t be too hard on yourself, okay?”

~•~

**“There has been a case of stabbing today in Shinbashi station. The victim has been identified as Kawara Ryuuji, aged 29 years old.”**

 

Isa rushed down the halls of the hospital, followed by a few guards who were trying to catch up to him. The patients and doctors inside the hospital were surprised to see someone running in the hallways – some even shouted at him in protest.

 

**“The security cameras captured the moments of the attack, however the attacker’s face cannot be seen clearly as they’re wearing a hoodie and sunglasses. This seems to be an isolated incident, as Mr. Kawara has been the only victim in the stabbing.”**

**“Mr. Kawara just appeared in the news a few days ago when the police claimed that Ichijou Utsuro, who had gone missing, was with him. As of yesterday, the spokesperson of the Ichijou family has confirmed that Utsuro returned home safe and sound–”**

 

Isa didn’t stop running until a doctor stepped in front of him and grabbed his shoulders. Isa looked up at him, ready to protest – 

“Let go of me!”

“Utsuro,” the doctor called out – Isa instantly recognized him after that.

“Uncle Mino?”

“Utsuro, calm down,” he said, “Kawara’s in surgery. You can’t see him.”

“What happened to him? Is he going to be okay?”

“We’ll find out, okay?” Mino said as he turned to the guards – “Do your parents know you’re here?”

“Mother knows; she let me,” Isa answered – Mino noticed the guards nodding, so he could breathe easy about that.

“I need to see him,” Isa pleaded – “How long… how long will the surgery be?”

“I don’t know. We don’t even know if he’ll make it,” Mino replied, “Just… calm down, okay? You can wait in my office if you want.”

“This is… this is my fault,” Isa said, tears welling up in his eyes – “This is because he tried to protect me. And… and…

“It… must’ve been them. They wanted to kill him because of me…”

“Utsuro, this has nothing to do with you,” Mino said with a smile, “It’s probably just a random stabbing, or someone has a bone to pick with him, you know?”

“It’s my fault,” Isa muttered quietly, “I’m… I’m the one who deserves to die.”

 

Isa sat in the office for a good few hours before his uncle came in, this time followed by his father. 

“Utsuro,” his father called, “Why are you still here? It’s getting late.”

“But Ryuuji…”

“I was told nobody will be allowed to visit until tomorrow,” Mino said, “I understand you’re worried, Utsuro, but you have to understand.”

“Is he… going to wake up soon?”

“I don’t know,” Mino replied with a sigh, “Sorry, Utsuro.”

“Come home now,” his father said sternly, “You can come back tomorrow.”

~•~

 

_ “Hello?” _

“You need to stop,” Isa muttered, “He has nothing to do with this.”

_ “Did you tell him anything?” _

Isa felt his heart sink, because yes he did, and knowing Ryuuji, he would definitely want to try to bring the truth to light –

And then his rapist will know that he told Ryuuji, and…

 

He definitely wants the truth to come out too, it was just that he was terrified. If his parents didn’t believe him, why would the general public? Wouldn’t he just seem like he’s trying to get attention?

But he’s sick of this – keeping secrets, being forced to live with this… guilt, the memories of abuse,

He wanted to feel safe. 

  
  


“What do you want me to do?” Isa asked – “Just… just stop this. Don’t get anyone else involved. Please.”

_ “Then you have to keep to your end of a deal,”  _ he said,  _ “If you dare tell anyone, I’ll kill you. Remember?” _

“Then kill me instead. Don’t do anything to him, please.”

A brief silence dawned – Isa could feel the emotions well up in his chest and he felt like he was going to cry, but not on the phone. He can’t show any weakness –

He’s trying to protect Ryuuji after all. He needs to show that he’s stronger, better. 

 

_ “...I’ll send someone to your house tomorrow. Go with him, or else who knows what’ll happen to that Kawara.” _

 


	7. Chapter 7

“Master Utsuro?”

Isa turned to one of his maids, who was standing by his bedroom door.

“Someone’s here to see you. He said Mr. Sayaka sent him.”

Isa nodded as he quickly rushed downstairs. 

 

He knew what was going to happen.

No matter how much he hated this, he had to do it.

He just wants to put everything behind him and forget it, but the past seemed to continue tugging at him, unwilling to let him go.

 

It reminded him of why he ran away from home – 

Because he wanted to throw away everything, have a fresh start. Under that new name, Isa Souma, he can perhaps… be a new person.

He just wants to resolve this, once and for all, no matter what it takes.

 

A sleek black car was waiting outside when Utsuro came downstairs. He quickly opened the door to the back – 

The man was sitting inside, looking out of the window – he quickly turned to Utsuro with a smile. 

“Oh, here comes my favorite boy.”

Utsuro didn’t say anything as he sat down – he was feeling uncomfortable already. The man’s ass reached behind to squeeze Utsuro’s ass as he kissed his cheek. 

The car engine started, and Utsuro could see through the tinted windows that they were leaving his house. 

“Why did you run away from home? I was worried too, you know.”

“Stop it,” Utsuro said as he pushed the man away, “What do you want from me?”

“Oh, shouldn’t that be obvious to you?”

He pulled Utsuro closer to him and leaned in to kiss Utsuro on the lips –

He let him. He had no choice, no matter how much he was starting to feel sick. The man’s breaths going into his mouth, it felt like poison gas – Utsuro felt suffocated, trapped. 

“You’re not busy today, are you? Let’s spend time in my office for a bit.”

“But…”

“That guy, Kawara,” he said, “He doesn’t know anything, does he?”

“I… I didn’t tell him anything.”

He looked at Utsuro for a while, as if assessing if he was being truthful – he only smiled though, and kissed Utsuro again. 

~•~

“Good morning, Mr. Kawara.”

Ryuuji slowly opened his eyes and saw a man in a green shirt standing next to him. 

The room he was in was brightly lit, and the faint smell of antiseptics was in the air. His body felt incredibly weak though, and his mind was so blurry that it felt like he could fall back asleep at any moment.

“...who?”

“I’m Ichijou Mino,” the man replied, “I’m Utsuro’s uncle, and I happened to work in this hospital as well.

“Do you know what happened to you, Mr. Kawara?”

Ryuuji weakly shook his head as he closed his eyes – everything around him seemed overwhelming; the lights, the cold – 

“You were stabbed, sir. The police are still working to find the culprit–”

“Isa…”

Mino paused as he turned to Ryuuji and leaned in slightly – Ryuuji was speaking very softly, so it was difficult to hear him. Or maybe he’s not fully awake yet? That wouldn’t be surprising, considering how much blood Ryuuji lost; he could just be talking in his sleep. 

“Isa…” 

Ryuuji’s voice was so soft it almost immediately trails back off. 

“Isa? What, or who is that, sir?”

“Is he... okay?”

“Oh, oh you mean Utsuro?” Mino asked – “He’s really worried. He was waiting here all day yesterday.”

“Sorry,” Ryuuji said as he turned to look away, “Isa…”

 

Utsuro walked down the halls of the hospital, trying his best to maintain his composure.

It’s that… dirty, guilty feeling. 

Everything around him seemed so bright and clean –

He felt out of place. As if someone so… disgusting as him shouldn’t be allowed here. 

He stopped walking for a second –

His mind felt heavy, clouded, and he felt nauseous. 

_ Maybe I should stop and go back? _

_...no. I have to… I have to do this.  _

 

Utsuro entered the room, following a nurse. Mino was inside, watching over Ryuuji. 

“Ah, Utsuro,” Mino called as he stood up – “He was awake for a bit. I think he was looking for you…”

Mino paused for a second though, as he watched Utsuro. Utsuro turned to look at Ryuuji for a moment, then turned to him.

“What’s wrong, Utsuro?”

“Nothing,” Utsuro replied, shaking his head. “Why do you ask?”

“You look pale. You’re not sick, right?” Mino asked, placing the back of his hand against Utsuro’s forehead to check for a fever – “You really aren’t sick, right?”

“No, I just… didn’t sleep very well last night.”

“Okay then,” Mino said, although Utsuro could tell from the look from his face that he wasn’t really buying into it. 

“No, something definitely feels off, Utsuro,” Mino said with a sigh – Utsuro seemed too restless and a little groggy. “Tell me. What happened?”

“It’s nothing,” Utsuro insisted, “I need to talk to Ryuuji for a bit. Would you mind stepping out for a bit?”

“What is it you guys are going to talk about?” Mino asked as he glanced at Ryuuji – he seemed to be asleep. “What’s so… secret that I’m not allowed to know?”

“It’s just… something personal.”

“Look, Utsuro, I’m sure you’re aware of this, but there’s been a lot of questions about what happened while you were with him,” Mino said, “And especially about the abuse thing you mentioned to the police.”

“This isn’t about that…”

“This is not a good time for you to be keeping secrets,” Mino said bluntly, “Whatever’s going on, I… well, maybe not me, but your parents need to know.”

“I said it’s none of your business!”

Mino was taken aback – because just now, definitely, Utsuro yelled at him.

Utsuro seemed surprised at his own behavior, too, and quickly bowed down.

“I’m… I’m sorry, uncle.”

“This is unlike you,” Mino said, apparently not offended – “You sure you’re not sick or anything? 

“You come into the hospital so late in the day when you were here all day, didn’t even ask what actually happened to him, and just decided that you need a talk with him.”

“I…” Utsuro looked away, “I’m… I’m really sorry.”

“...Isa?”

They both quickly turned to look at Ryuuji, who was now looking at them. He still seemed hazy, but at least his eyes were open and focused.

“Isa,” he called again, this time reaching out a hand to Utsuro – “Are you… okay?”

“I… I’m fine,” Utsuro quickly said as he walked over to Ryuuji – “How are you feeling, Ryuuji?”

Ryuuji didn’t reply – instead he slowly raised his hand, cupping Utsuro’s cheek. 

“My darling,” Ryuuji muttered, “I love you so much.”

“Ryuuji…”

“Stay here,” Ryuuji said, “Don’t go.”

“Ryuuji, I…” 

Utsuro took Ryuuji’s hand that was on his face and gently put it down.

“Ryuuji, you’ve done so much for me,” Utsuro said, “And I… really do appreciate it.”

“I’ll do anything for you, Isa.”

“I… I can’t get you further involved in this,” Utsuro said slowly – it was difficult to say this, like the words were slowly piercing his heart, because…

He didn’t want to do this, but he… he has to. For Ryuuji’s sake.

Ryuuji has done so much for him – and yet he couldn’t do anything in return. If anything, he’s only hurt Ryuuji more, dragged him into this situation…

 

“What do you mean?”

“This is… this is my fault,” Utsuro said, “I don’t want you to be hurt because of me.”

“Isa, it’s not your fault,” Ryuuji said, “None of this is your fault.”

“Don’t you understand? You could die because of this,” Utsuro said – “Please, Ryuuji, this is… unnecessary. I don’t deserve you.”

“What do you mean?”

“We… we need to stop,” Utsuro said, his voice cracking – “Forget everything about me.”

“Isa–”

“You can’t… we can’t… continue like this,” Utsuro slowly said, almost as if he had to swallow pieces of glass as he said it. “And we need to part. Go on our own ways.”

Ryuuji was silent upon hearing this. Utsuro looked down on the floor, lips curled in as he struggled not to cry. 

“Isa,” Ryuuji called out gently, “I love you.”

“I know,” Utsuro sobbed, “I…”

Ryuuji gently raised his hand to wipe away Utsuro’s tears. 

“I’m sorry,” Utsuro whimpered, “I’m sorry.”

That said, he turned away and left the room.

 

_ I’ve done it now. _

_ He’s the only one who’s treated me right, and now, I’ve…  I’ve pushed him away, too. _

_ I’m a horrible person. _

  
  


“Isa…”

Ryuuji tried to get up after Isa, but Mino quickly held him back and put him back in bed.

“Something must’ve happened,” Ryuuji said, “He’s usually not like that...”

“Are you okay, Mr. Kawara?”

“Don’t worry about me,” Ryuuji muttered, “Isa… 

“I guess at the end I can’t get through to him, huh?”

  
  
  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

Mino left the room at some point. Ryuuji doesn’t blame him – witnessing Isa behave like that was probably surprising to him, too. 

Ryuuji himself has been falling asleep and waking up randomly – whatever anesthesia he was given was very effective, maybe a little too effective. 

As a result, he hasn’t really had time to think about Isa, although… he would really like to. 

Something must’ve happened. Isa wouldn’t suddenly try to cut all ties with him for no reason.

The door opened then, and Ryuuji turned to look–

A man entered the room, and Ryuuji immediately noticed how similar the man looked to Isa; purple eyes, cold expression on his face – his hair was just shorter and he has some wrinkles on his face. Mino was following right behind him 

“Mr. Kawara,” he called as he bowed down, “Good evening. I’m Ichijou Kitsugu.”

_ Oh shit, it’s the prime minister.  _

“Good… good evening,” Ryuuji replied as he tried to get up – his body was too weak, though.

“Please don’t get up,” Mino said, gently tucking Ryuuji back to bed. “We don’t want the wounds to reopen.”

Ryuuji nodded slowly as he slumped back to bed. 

“Mr. Prime Minister?” Ryuuji asked, “Are you here to talk about Utsuro?”

“Yes. I’d like to know what happened during his time away from home,” Kitsugu said, “I heard from my brother what happened this afternoon.”

“Oh, I’ve seen him cry a few times, all right.”

“Did he talk about his problems… with us?”

Ryuuji was quiet for a while, thinking. 

 

He thought back to Isa earlier. 

Holding his hand and trying to fight through tears, as he said,

_ “Forget everything about me.” _

He’s suddenly gone back into the boy Ryuuji met on the train; scared and helpless.

 

“You know, sir, I do plan on staying with him,” Ryuuji said, “Whatever he is going through, I want to help him.”

“What exactly do you mean?”

“He told me he was raped,” Ryuuji said plainly, “And that when he told you guys, you didn’t believe him.”

“He accused one of my close friends.”

“I mean, he’s your son,” Ryuuji replied, “I’m not a parent, but you know, if you’re going to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, it should be your son, no?”

“Neither you nor him has evidence that he was raped.”

“What kind of evidence do you want?” Ryuuji asked, a hint of anger in his voice – “That guy wouldn’t be so stupid.”

Kitsugu was silent for a while, staring at Ryuuji, before he turned around to leave.

~•~

Coming home, Utsuro rushed into his room and shut the door.

He quickly went into the bathroom, took off all his clothes, and stepped into the shower. 

Just letting the warm water wash over his body, and down the drain. 

 

It’s always been like this every time. No matter how many times he showered, he’d still feel dirty, disgusting. 

He kept doing it anyway, to the point his parents probably found strange.

He poured some soap in his hands and scrubbed his body well, making sure to cover every part with it –

 

_ Ryuuji is gone now.  _

_ Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.  _

_ Don’t think about what he’s done for you, don’t think about how kind he is. _

_ You don’t deserve someone like that.  _

_ ….what do I do now? _

 

Utsuro dried himself and put on a shirt and shorts. Just as he was going to leave the room, the door opened – 

His father walked in, clearly having just gone home from work.

“Good evening,” Utsuro greeted.

“You went to the hospital today?” he asked, “What happened there? Mino told me you were crying.”

“I… it was nothing,” Utsuro replied, “Nothing, really.”

“Are you worried about Kawara?”

“I… I mean, of course,” Utsuro said, trying to sound calm, “But he’ll be fine.”

“I went to visit him.”

Utsuro turned to look at his father, surprised, but then slowly nodded, trying to regain his composure.

“You seem surprised.”

“It’s… it’s just that…”

 

_ Did he tell him? _

_ Is this a good thing or not? I don’t know. I… I’ve told father a few times about this, and he doesn’t believe me, but…  _

_ Maybe, maybe if it’s Ryuuji, he’ll believe it. He’s an adult after all, and… _

 

“About Mr. Sayaka,” his father said, “You need to stop spreading these rumors.”

Kitsugu stepped forward, grabbing Utsuro’s shoulders.

“He’s married, and has kids,” he said, “He wouldn’t do anything like that, okay?”

 

Utsuro froze in nplace for a while, unsure of what to do–

The truth is… right here, laid out for his father, and yet he refused to believe it.

 

“I’m… I’m not lying.”

He could still feel his body being sore from what happened this afternoon. 

It happened, it definitely was real – 

But now his father expects him to… ignore all that? Say something like that didn’t happen?

“What… will it take for you to believe?” he asked, “You want me to… strip down? Show you how he did it to me?”

“Utsuro, that’s not…”

“He… he took me to his office, this afternoon. And pinned me against the wall and fucked me, came inside me. I’m sure there’s still some left in me, if you want proof…”

 

At some point the words were just spilling, along with tears.

_ Who cares that I’m going to get killed. _

_ Nobody… nobody believes what I say. I might as well not exist –  _

_ They’re never going to investigate this man. Just because he’s married, and has children, and has power and money. Anyone trying to investigate will just… _

_ He’ll just… kill them all. Like how he almost killed Ryuuji. _

 

“This isn’t the first time!” Utsuro went on, now screaming – “He’s… he’s not the only one who’s done this to me either! They always do this to me when you guys are attending parties! When nobody’s looking! These people, they… they act all good and innocent, so that nobody will know, and… and…

“You cannot convince me this didn’t happen! I’m… I’m not crazy!” 

“Utsuro–”

“He… he did rape me!” Utsuro cried, “Why are you trying to defend him? What… why aren’t you protecting me instead?”

“Utsuro, calm down–”

“If you’re not going to believe me, I’ll… I’ll find someone who does!” Utsuro screamed as he backed away to the door, “Goodbye!”

He quickly ran out of the door, down the stairs, and out of the door. The guards were immediately alerted at this, and some started going after him.

“Honey?” Utsuro’s mum called out upon hearing the commotion – “What… what happened?”

Kitsugu, too, slowly came out of the room, and sighed as he walked out of the door and to the car. 

~•~

 

It all felt so hopeless.

Run, run as far as you can,

Throw everything behind you, and try to forget,

Although the wound will never fade away.

 

Isa rushed into Ryuuji’s room and locked the door behind him. A few doctors and nurses were trying to stop him, since it wasn’t visiting hours – 

Ryuuji was on his bed, and he seemed to be asleep. Isa slowly walked up to him –

 

He was just here this afternoon, telling Ryuuji they shouldn’t be together anymore…

And now he’s back here, going to beg for help.

How pathetic.

 

He placed a hand on Ryuuji’s shoulder, and Ryuuji immediately opened his eyes. Isa backed away– 

“...Isa?”

“Ryuuji,” Isa said with a smile, “Sorry I woke you…”

“What happened, darling?” Ryuuji asked immediately, cupping his wet cheeks – “Your eyes are swollen. Were you crying?”

“I… I’m…”

“It’s okay,” Ryuuji said, pulling him closer – Isa leaned in then, hugging Ryuuji and resting his head on Ryuuji’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Isa whimpered, “About this afternoon.”

“It’s okay, Isa,” Ryuuji replied, kissing his ear– “I’m not angry. I’m happy you’re here. I was scared that… that I’d never see you again, too.”

“I… I suppose… I made the same mistake you did,” Isa muttered, “You… you left me to try to protect me, and I…  did the same.”

“Stay here, darling.” Ryuuji wrapped an arm around Isa’s waist and held him close – ”I’ll protect you. I promise.”

“My father,” Isa continued, “He… he doesn’t believe it.”

“Darling, it’s not your fault.”

“Ryuuji, you… you believe me, right?” Isa asked, “I… I’m telling the truth. I really was raped.”

“Isa, it’s okay,” Ryuuji said, “I believe in you, no matter what.”

“He… he did it again, this afternoon, before I came here, and, and I…

“I couldn’t… refuse. I just want him to stop hurting you. You’re dragged into this because of me, and I…”

As Isa turned to Ryuuji he noticed that Ryuuji was looking at him in shock.

“...Isa,” he said, “You… you did what?”

 

_...oh no. _

_ He’s… he’s totally going to hate me now. I shouldn’t have– _

 

“I’m… I’m going to kill him,” Ryuuji said – he could feel the blood rising to his head, about to explode out of his body – 

In that moment, the feeling just… overtook him. The urge to harm whoever did this to Isa.

Isa meant well, he just… wanted to protect Ryuuji, and they dare take advantage of him like this? Unforgivable.

 

“Ryuuji, Ryuuji, no,” Isa begged, “Please, it’s… it’s just going to make things worse if you get caught–”

Ryuuji tried to get up from his bed, but then again, his body was too weak, and he immediately slumped back to the bed. Isa noticed that the anger in Ryuuji’s eyes hadn’t subsided, though.

“He has to pay for this,” Ryuuji hissed, “Nobody gets to hurt you and walk away scott-free.

“Don’t you want him dead too, Isa?”

“I… I just want this to stop,” Isa said, caressing Ryuuji’s trembling hand – “You got hurt because of me, so please, please don’t…”

“Who is he?” Ryuuji asked angrily – “Where is he?”

“Ryuuji, you being here for me is enough.”

Isa leaned forward to hug Ryuuji again, trying to soothe him down. He noticed Ryuuji’s hands were bunching up the sheets around him–

“Thank you, Ryuuji,” Isa said, “I’m… I’m sorry it’s come to this.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Ryuuji said, “I swear, Isa, the second I can get up and hold a knife, I’ll find that fucker and kill him.

“You stay here for now, okay darling?” Ryuuji said as he hugged Isa, his voice suddenly gentle again – “I want you to be safe. I won’t let you out of my sight.”

 

Isa couldn’t help but feel like he was going to cry again–

Not because of sadness, but out of relief.

That Ryuuji is still here, that Ryuuji is still willing to protect him, despite everything he’s done…

Perhaps, for once,

there is a safe haven.


	9. Chapter 9

“...you know, Isa, you need to unlock that door when we wake up.”

“Hmm.”

Isa snuggled closer to Ryuuji – not only because there was barely any space in the bed, but also because he just wanted to get closer to Ryuuji. 

Ryuuji seems to have calmed down, at least for now. He looked at Isa gently and lovingly as he ran his fingers through Isa’s hair–

He feels… warm, and safe. Like this is exactly how things are supposed to be.

 

“...by the way, I never asked where your stab wound is.”

“It’s at the back,” Ryuuji replied, “They missed my heart slightly.”

“...I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ryuuji said with a smile, “I’ll find that bastard and kill him once I get better.”

 

Silence dawned for a while – Isa placed his head near Ryuuji’s chest, and he could feel Ryuuji’s breath on his hair, could see his chest rising and falling regularly, so that he knew Ryuuji was alive–

While Ryuuji just stared at him while caressing his hair, as if admiring a beautiful, precious creature. Isa looked up to him, and immediately looked away in embarrassment.

 

“You remember your students? Back in Hachiman?”

“Uzune and Nanaki?”

“They… make an odd couple,” Isa said, “But the relationship they’re in, no matter how imperfect it is, is one they choose to be in, and I… 

“Whenever I see them, I get really jealous, because I want a relationship like that too. I don’t want people to force themselves to me, or vice versa.”

“Well,” Ryuuji said, “I’m here for you.”

Isa smiled as he placed a light kiss on Ryuuji’s lips. Ryuuji kissed him back, and they both let out a little laugh.

This feels so perfect, like they’re in their own world – forget everything for a while, and just… enjoy each other, be happy.

 

“I’m going to need to work on making you cry less and laugh more,” Ryuuji said, “I think that was the first time I saw you laugh.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“You were always so nervous and depressed at my house though,” Ryuuji said, “Granted, we probably didn’t know each other very well then, but still.

“I feel like bringing you back to Tokyo is a bad decision in hindsight,” Ryuuji said with a sigh, “Should’ve just taken you somewhere far from Hachiman while we were there. Maybe somewhere out of the country…”

“But you wanted me to come back so we can resolve this.”

“I’ve seen you cry too many times today,” Ryuuji said, “And that’s just the ones I see.

“Being here must’ve brought back bitter memories. I’m sorry.”

Isa was silent for a while, just looking at Ryuuji.

“Are you sure it’s not because you got stabbed?”

“Oh, this is nothing,” Ryuuji said, “I’ll do anything for you, Isa, my darling.”

~•~

“...Utsuro?”

Isa blinked his eyes open slowly as he felt someone shaking his shoulder. As he awoke, he could see that Ryuuji was still sleeping in front of him, his arms wrapped around Isa exactly like how he remembered last night.

Ryuuji seems so peaceful when sleeping. Isa gently reached his hand to hug around Ryuuji. 

“Utsuro, it’s me, Mino.”

Isa turned around to look at Mino for a second, then let out a sigh and rolled back to face Ryuuji. 

“No, I’m not trying to take you home.”

“What do you want then?”

“Do you wanna do a rape kit? Your dad already paid for it.”

Isa sighed as he buried his face into Ryuuji’s chest, because this is the last thing he wanted to think about right now. 

“I do believe your story,” Mino said, “But if we want to convince everyone else and get justice, you’re going to have to do this.”

“I…” Isa sighed, “I just want to stay with Ryuuji. I don’t want to go to jail.”

“You won’t, Utsuro. If anyone goes, it’s your rapist.”

Isa sighed as he looked up at Ryuuji. So much has happened, and he just… wanted it all to stop. 

“...I’ll do it.”

Isa slowly tried to get up from the bed without waking Ryuuji up – 

Ryuuji opened his eyes for a second, watching Isa get out of bed, and reached out a hand to hold him. 

“Isa…”

“Ryuuji,” Isa replied, “I… I’ll be back soon.”

“No,” Ryuuji said, “Stay here.”

“Mr. Kawara, we’d like Utsuro to–”

“Do it here then,” Ryuuji said, “Don’t… go.”

And he fell asleep again. 

Isa only sighed as he took the blanket and covered Ryuuji’s body with it. His hand was still holding onto Isa’s arm –

Isa gently took off his hand and placed it back on the bed. 

~•~

Isa came back about three hours later to find Ryuuji already awake, and playing with his phone. 

“Ah, Isa, you’re back!”

Isa let out a little smile as he sat down to Ryuuji, who quickly showered him with kisses. 

“I wasn’t even out of the building.”

“I’m worried, still,” Ryuuji replied, “I’m glad you’re back.”

“...I hope I don’t have to do that test again.”

 

Ryuuji looked at Isa dearly, gently brushing away his bangs from his face. Isa’s clear purple eyes, little nose, slightly chapped lips–

Ryuuji placed his finger on Isa’s nose, teasing – Isa let out a giggle. Ryuuji went on to run his fingers over Isa’s lips, then leaning in to kiss him softly. 

“You’re perfect,” Ryuuji whispered, “How are you so beautiful?”

“Ryuuji…”

Ryuuji leaned in and kissed him again, trying to shut him up.

“I love you so, so much,” Ryuuji said, “Can we just do this all day?”

“Wait, Ryuuji–”

Isa didn’t have time to say anything as Ryuuji had pinned him down on the bed and continued to kiss all over his face.

“Slow down, slow down,” Isa said, giggling – “Are you even allowed to fuck yet?”

“Probably not, but who cares,” Ryuuji said, “Let me just hug you. Isa is my big teddy bear.”

So Isa let him – Ryuuji wrapped his arms around Isa’s body and hugged him tightly. Isa smiled as he gently placed Ryuuji’s head on his chest, and ruffled his hair.

“I really do love you, Isa,” Ryuuji said, “Sometimes I’m scared I’ll… accidentally hurt you, scare you away from me. So don’t leave me, okay? If I’ve done anything wrong, tell me and let me fix it.

“Thanks for being here for me, Isa,” Ryuuji muttered, “Thank you for being born.”

 

It gives him a warm and fuzzy feeling. 

Isa’s gotten so used to being ignored, being used, that he often felt like a disgusting, broken person who doesn’t deserve to live.

But Ryuuji looks at him, treats him like he’s the most precious thing in the world, and it warms his heart. The fact that someone still loves and cares about him–

He wouldn’t give away Ryuuji for the world. 

  
  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

It feels good to be spending time with Isa again, although technically they were just separated for… who knows, a day or two. Not that they were doing anything exciting in particular – at most it was cuddling, with the occasional kiss on the lips. Ryuuji’s doctor comes every day to check on him, and the nurses switch out his bandages and IV, but not much else happens. 

Mino seems a little concerned about Isa barely leaving the room and also the fact that he decided not to go home, but heck, his parents seem to be okay with it. Nobody else is waiting on Ryuuji anyway, so maybe it’s a good thing…

Isa seems to be happy anyway, and that’s what’s important.

 

A few policemen entered the room, a stark appearance in the mostly calm hospital. Ryuuji saw his doctor running after them –

“Kawara Ryuuji, you are under arrest–”

“Sir, I do not intend to obstruct justice,” his doctor interjected, “But Mr. Kawara is still recovering, and will need medical attention for at least another week–”

The police turned to look at the doctor for a second, then sighed as he turned back to Ryuuji.

“For the killing of two policemen in Hachiman. They were reported missing after they visited your house. You retain all the rights to remain silent, everything you say can and will be used against you.”

Ryuuji turned to look at Isa, who was looking at the police with a mortified expression in his face–

But oh well, he saw this coming. The rapist wouldn’t give up so easily – he wants Ryuuji out of the picture and he  _ will _ get Ryuuji out. The detective can only do so much against whoever this man is.

He only smiled as one of the policeman stepped forward and handcuffed him. Another policeman walked over to Isa and said something to him–

“We have received permission to allow him to remain in the hospital, Dr. Tosaka,” one of them explained to the doctor, “We will have people patrolling to make sure he doesn’t escape.”

“Escape? He can’t even get out of bed yet! This is ridiculous!” Tosaka said, indignant – “Do you even have proof he killed those policemen?”

“We found their bodies mutilated and hidden in the fridge.”

The doctor turned to Ryuuji in surprise and in loss of words, but he still turned to the policeman angrily.

“W… well, if you managed to pin down that crime in Hachiman, so far away from here, what about Mr. Kawara’s assailant? Why can’t you be as fast?”

“Doctor–”

“My… my point is, you’re not taking him away,” the doctor said, steadfast – “I will not stand for my patient to be–”

“It was me.”

Everyone fell silent as they turned to look at Isa.

“I told him to kill them,” Isa said, “They were about to search the house and find me, and at that point in time I absolutely had no intention of returning to Tokyo, so I told Ryuuji to kill them if he had the chance.”

“Isa–”

“This much is true.” Isa turned to look at the police, “I’m the one in the wrong here.”

The policemen looked at Isa, surprised–

 

_ I knew it. That man wanted to take down Ryuuji in another way, so he dug up the dirt. _

_...if I go down, too, he can’t do anything.  _

_ And it’s not like I was entirely in the right. I’m at least an accomplice since I’m aware of the crime and tried to cover it up. _

 

“...okay then,” the police said, “Take him to the station.”

“Captain, this is the prime minister’s son and a minor we’re about to arrest here…”

“We still have to get all the facts right.”

 

Isa felt his heart sink as he watched the pained expression on Ryuuji’s face when he was taken out of the room. 

This was clearly not what he wanted, and definitely not what Ryuuji wanted. He’s fought so hard to make sure Isa doesn’t suffer the consequences of his actions, but…

...Isa couldn’t imagine how he’d be without Ryuuji. 

If Ryuuji has to go to jail, he’ll go, too.

~•~

“You claimed in the hospital, that you asked Mr. Kawara to kill the policemen.”

Isa nodded. The detective in front of him seemed slightly pissed off at how little sound he made, but whatever. 

“How did you ask him to kill them/”

“Just… kill them,” Isa replied, “I just didn’t want to go home.”

“Why?”

“Have you ever met a runaway who wants to go home?”

“But you’re here.”

“Ryuuji convinced me to come back,” Isa replied, “To confront my rapist. Also known as the person who hired you guys.”

The detective sighed, “Look, we’re not–”

“I’m not the target, Ryuuji is,” Isa said, “Admit it.”

Suddenly the door behind them opened, and they both turned around to look–

Isa couldn’t help but be surprised to see his father walk in through the door. A few policemen and guards followed him nervously.

“What’s going on here?”

“Father…”

“Utsuro,” he turned to Utsuro, “What did you do?”

“I told Ryuuji to…”

“That’s… that’s not what he said,” Kitsugu said with a sigh, “He said he blacked out and killed those policemen.”

“No, when I heard the police come, I told him to just kill them if he has the chance, and hid in the bedroom.”

 

“When the police came,” Ryuuji said slowly, recounting – “I… told him to go hide in my bedroom.

“So I opened the door, let them in, let them have a look around, and when they weren’t looking, I… took the knife, and killed them.”

 

“I came out of the room, and he killed them. He seemed to be in a panic, so I said, okay, let’s hide the bodies in the fridge so they don’t smell.”

Isa looked at his father, resolute. 

“It’s my fault.”

 

“It’s my fault,” Ryuuji said, burying his face in his hands. “Isa… Utsuro, he has… he has nothing to do with this. Please, please let him go...”


	11. Chapter 11

Ryuuji was sitting with his back to the door when Isa walked in. 

Ryuuji definitely seemed more glum than before. He was stabbed and almost died, yet could still afford to put that smile on his face, and this even half as bad – Isa started to fear that Ryuuji hates him because of this. He’s got every reason to.

Isa couldn’t help but feel bad, knowing full well that he was the cause. Ryuuji tried to keep him out of this, and instead Isa had decided to throw himself in and take the blame. 

The police let Isa go, then walked out of the door. Now it’s just the two of them…

Ryuuji didn’t say anything, didn’t even turn to say hi. 

“...hey,” Isa greeted, lightly touching Ryuuji’s shoulder. “You okay?”

Ryuuji was silent, but he let out a sigh. Isa felt his heart race upon thinking what Ryuuji was going to do or say, because he… he must be angry, disappointed.

“Why did you do this?”

“Ryuuji, I… I had to,” Isa replied, “I don’t want you to be taken away from me.”

“Isa, I…”

Ryuuji finally turned around, his hand reaching up to cup Isa’s cheek. He drew a smile on his lips, but the expression in his eyes was so pained it looked like he could break down crying anytime.

“I just wanted you to be happy.” 

Ryuuji took a deep breath, then opened his mouth as if he was about to say more, and turned to look away. 

“You don’t deserve to be treated like this, darling.”

“You don’t deserve to get stabbed or caught either,” Isa said, “If it weren’t for protecting me, you wouldn’t have killed those officers.”

“Isa, just…” 

“I’m sorry,” Isa said, “I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me…”

“Isa, Isa, darling,” Ryuuji whispered, “It’s okay. We’ll work this through. We just have to come clean with the truth, okay? You had nothing to do with this to start with, okay?”

“If you’re going down, I’m going down with you.”

“Isa, that’s…”

“Ryuuji, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Isa replied, “No matter what, I’m staying with you.”

~•~

“Your rape kit results are in.”

Isa sighed, “Oh, good.”

“We did find Sayaka Toshiro’s DNA among the samples,” the detective replied, flipping through the pages, “An arrest will be made soon.”

Isa could feel Ryuuji’s hand reaching over to hold his, under the table. He turned to Ryuuji, trying to see what kind of expression he’s got on his face, but he just seemed to be smiling.

“...so he’ll be tried for rape?” Ryuuji asked, almost sounding excited –

“Yes, probably, although right now we have very little evidence, so we’ll need you to appear in court, Mr. Ichijou.”

“Wait, he can’t,” Ryuuji said, worried – “That means…”

“I’ll be fine, Ryuuji,” Isa said, “I just want to get this done and over with.”

“But Isa–”

“I know you’re worried,” Isa replied, “I’ll be fine.”

Ryuuji looked Isa, worried, but he nodded anyway. Isa could see that Ryuuji was worried, and it’s a reasonable worry – a part of him couldn’t help but worry that Ryuuji was growing too anxious, though. Knowing Ryuuji, anything could happen…

“Your father has decided to not give you any more assistance other than providing an attorney, and stated clearly that he wants the truth. I’m sure you know this.”

“Yes, sir.”

“So, Mr. Ichijou, I have a few questions,” the detective said, “The reason you ran away from home was because you could no longer stand this, and your parents wouldn’t believe it when you told them what’s going on.”

Isa nodded.

“Why didn’t they?”

“Well, apparently he knows my dad pretty well, so it took a lot to convince him that one of his close friends would do a thing.”

The detective waited for a while, as if trying to process the information, then nodded slowly and turned to glance at Ryuuji.

“So you met Mr. Kawara when you ran away from home.”

“We met in the train.”

“Mr. Kawara, you were a professor and researcher in Takaba University,” the detective said, “Can you briefly explain your–”

“...’were’?”

Isa turned to Ryuuji, concerned.

“...I resigned,” Ryuuji replied, “There’s just been so much going on.”

“You quit your job because of…”

“Isa, it’s fine,” Ryuuji replied, “I can always find somewhere else to–”

“...that asshole isn’t happy with just ruining my life, he has to ruin yours too?”

Isa felt the blood rising to his head–

This is simply unacceptable. If the murder case wasn’t brought up, Ryuuji wouldn’t have needed to leave, this, this all–

Ryuuji leaned over, gently holding Isa’s trembling hand.

“Hey, it’s fine,” Ryuuji said, “It’s no big deal.”

“It’s my fault,” Isa said, “I’m so sorry.”

“No, no it’s not,” Ryuuji said, “Come on, don’t cry, now.”

“I… I’m not,” Isa said, slowly trying to regain his composure. “But this… this isn’t okay.”

“We’ll get through this together, Isa, it’s okay.”

Isa nodded as he turned to the detective again. He also seemed worried, but at the same time a little annoyed that they’re taking some time.

“Anyway, what is it that you wanted to ask, detective?”

“When you met Mr. Ichijou on the train, what compelled you to take him in?” he asked, “Did you know he was running away from home?”

“No, I didn’t know,” Ryuuji replied.

“...so you took him in without knowing he ran away from home?”

“I did! He just told me after we got off the train.”

“You knew he was running away from home, yet you decided to take him in. Why?”

“Well, it was late at night, and I thought… he won’t have time to go back,” Ryuuji replied, “I can’t leave him on the street, so why not let him stay at my place?”

“Did you not consider reporting him to the police?”

Ryuuji shook his head.

“And you said it was late at night, so you took him in, but he stayed with you for a few days.”

“W… well, I mean, he’s got nowhere else to go,” Ryuuji replied. 

The detective only sighed as he turned to look at his papers again.

“Let’s talk about the day of the murder. Clearly the two of you were working together in some way to carry this out.”

“I told you, I told Ryuuji to–”

“Dr. Kawara, why did you listen to him?” the detective asked, “Clearly he’s a minor, who’s trying to run away from home. You could’ve used your own judgement to decide whether or not you should actually do as he said–”

“I told you, I blacked out and did it,” Ryuuji replied, “Isa has nothing to do with this to start with.”

“No! I…”

“Mr. Ichijou, we need to uncover the truth,” the detective said, “We would appreciate it if you don’t try to cloud our judgement.”

“I’m not trying to…”

“Isa feels like this case is a way to… frame me,” Ryuuji replied, “He believes his rapist is trying to eliminate me, and since straight-up killing me didn’t work, he decided to try to take me out with this case.”

“Well, what do you think about that?”

“I think he has a point,” Ryuuji replied, “But then, him being here is his way of trying to ‘save’ me.”

“Stop it!” Isa shouted at Ryuuji, “Why… why are you doing this? Why do you want to get caught so much?”

“Isa, that’s not what I’m trying to do,” Ryuuji replied, “But you’re innocent. You should not be involved with this to start with.”

“I’m trying to help you!”

“Well, so am I!” Ryuuji shouted back, “Isa, why… why do you think I’m still here? I want to make sure you’re okay!”

“You didn’t–”

“I didn’t need to? Am I being here just a burden for you?” 

“No! That’s not it!” Isa replied, “I… I just…”

“You are not behind this, Isa, I am!” Ryuuji replied, “You doing this just makes it difficult for everyone!”

He stopped immediately though, upon turning to look at Isa and seeing the tears welling up in his eyes. 

He could feel a pang of guilt in his chest, because… how… why did he do that? Why was he so rude, and pushing all the blame to Isa, when none of this is his fault, he just got dragged into this shitty situation, and granted, he did bring it upon himself, but still–

“Oh my god, Isa,” Ryuuji said, softer this time – “I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“You’re right,” Isa muttered, “I’m just… making this difficult for everyone. I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t cry.”

Isa nodded as he wiped away his tears. 

“But… but look, you… have to come clean with the truth,” Ryuuji said, “You didn’t…”

“Okay, I have an idea,” the detective cut.

“This is… this is all because of me,” Isa muttered, “Because… that man wanted to hide the truth. He’s using every means necessary to try to keep Ryuuji silent.

“You too, detective, he… he must’ve paid you to look into this, right?”

“As a matter of fact, Mr. Kawara did turn himself into the police the day after the murder,” the detective said, “But then the police department felt it was more important to make sure that you go back to your family safe and sound, so they put aside this case–”

“Look, just…” Isa sighed, “If he’s going to jail, then I will go too.”

“...what?”

“Think about it, Ryuuji, this is exactly what he wouldn’t want,” Isa said, “He wants to get rid of you so that he can do whatever he wants to me, and if I go in jail too, this is definitely a development he wouldn’t expect!”

“Isa, you can’t go to jail,” Ryuuji said, “Just… don’t do this to yourself.”

“But…”

“Mr. Ichijou, you will stand as a witness to the murder and victim of rape,” the detective said, “You won’t be charged with anything.”

“But I… I witnessed the murder! I helped him hide the body!”

“You will at most be charged as an accomplice, and no more.”

“Does that still mean…”

“Isa.”

Isa turned to look at Ryuuji, who was looking at him solemnly. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Ryuuji said, “You’re innocent to start with.”

“Ryuuji, I…”

“I don’t want you involved in this anymore,” Ryuuji said, holding Isa’s hand, “You’re going to get the justice you deserve – let’s leave it at that, please.”

“But what about you, Ryuuji, does this mean you’re… going to leave me?”

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i blame the entirety of this on blynn blynn. thank u blynn blynn u are a great gf and at the same time a heartless angster

 

“You should’ve killed me back then.”

Ryuuji turned to look at Isa, confused.

“Isa, I…”

“If you did, none of this would be happening,” Isa said, looking at the wall in front of him – “In fact, you would’ve done me a big favor, you know?”

“Stop it, Isa.”

“If you didn’t kill those officers, you wouldn’t be here,” Isa said, tears welling up in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks – but he didn’t react, only continued staring at the wall. 

“This is all my fault. I ruined your life.”

“Isa, stop saying that,” Ryuuji replied, “I… wouldn’t have chosen differently.”

“I just wanted all of this to end,” Isa said, “But not like this. It’s not even worth it, confronting that man. He’s now ruined not just me, but you too.”

“Stop it, Isa,” Ryuuji said, gently caressing Isa’s cheeks, “None of this is your fault. Stop pushing the blame on yourself.”

“You should’ve killed me. Let me die.”

 

“It’s about time.”

Ryuuji could see the lawyer, followed by a few policemen, walk into the courtroom. 

Isa stood still, looking at the wall in front of him. The plaintiff approached him, tried to get him to walk in, but he didn’t budge at all. 

“Isa, come on,” Ryuuji said softly, “The trial’s starting.”

“They’re going to take you away from me.”

“Isa–”

“And then… and then I will have nobody to help me. Nobody to ever love me again.”

~•~

“It’s starting! Uzune-kun!”

Hitori sighed as he sat down next to Kazuaki, in front of the computer screen. It was a stream of the courtroom proceedings from one of those shady websites Kazuaki somehow found.

“There’s Kawara-sensei,” Kazuaki said, pointing at the stand, “Where’s Isa-san?”

“There’s his dad, in the audience,” Hitori said, “I wonder how he’s feeling right now.”

“What do you think is gonna happen, Uzune-kun?”

“Nothing good.”

 

_ “Court is now in session.” _

_ “On September 8th, the mutilated bodies of two policemen in Hachiman was found at Kawara Ryuuji’s residence, hidden in the refrigerator. The murder weapon, we believe, is a bloody kitchen knife with his fingerprints on it. _

_ “First of all I must ask Mr. Ichijou – if you had seen the crime, why didn’t you try to stop it, or report it to the police?” _

 

“Isa doesn’t look so good.”

“Yeah,” Hitori replied – Isa’s face was pretty small on the screen, but he could still see that his expression was… distraught.

 

“Mr. Ichijou?”

Ryuuji couldn’t help but worry upon realizing that Isa had fallen silent. The prosecutor seems worried too, mostly because he needed answers – 

But the expression on his face was strange. As if he was staring blankly into the distance, his gaze out of focus.

“I… didn’t find it necessary.”

“Did Mr. Kawara coerce you to not say anything?”

“He… he seems to realize the consequences of his actions,” Isa replied, but he sounded… distant, as if his mind was somewhere else and something else was speaking in his place. 

“Did you not feel unsafe?”

Finally, Isa let out a little smile – or smirk – and sighed. 

“I’ve never felt unsafe around Ryuuji.

“You know what, let this joke of a trial end already,” Isa said, “You guys do realize the reason all of this is coming to light and being taken so seriously is because Sayaka has steered you guys to it, right?”

“Please refrain from–”

“This is sad; the lengths a man would go to destroy my life, just so his crimes can remain hidden.”

The whole room fell silent for a minute, while Isa stood at his stand, smiling… for some reason. 

 

“Kawara Ryuuji, you have been found guilty for the double murder, and sentenced to death.”

 

It felt like the whole weight of the world was dropped on him.

Isa had no idea how to react. He just stood frozen –

He turned to look at Ryuuji, who seemed to have given a tired smile and nodded.

 

How could he?

It suddenly felt like he wasn’t actually there this whole time, and as the verdict was given, he was just violently thrusted back into reality. 

How could this happen?

How can Ryuuji be so calm, accepting it with a smile?

 

_ This isn’t what he wanted.  _

_ Not like this. Not like this. Why– _

 

_ This can’t be real, right? This can’t be happening right now– _

 

Suddenly hysterical laughter could be heard in the room.

Isa covered hi face, and he could hear his brain telling him to stop–

He was laughing, but at the same time he could feel hot tears streaming from his eyes.

 

“You’re a liar!”

Ryuuji couldn’t help but instinctively want to walk towards Isa, hug him, calm him down – if not for his handcuffs and the policemen holding him back.

He could see Isa’s dad move to try to catch him as he walked off the stand, towards Ryuuji. 

“You said you wouldn’t leave me!”

He grabbed Ryuuji’s shirt and pulled him forward almost violently –

“You said! You said you’ll stay with me no matter what happens!”

“Isa–”

“How could you do this! How could you do this to me!” Isa screamed, “You said… you said you loved me! You don’t want to hurt me! And now you’re doing this!”

“Utsuro!” A few policemen gathered around him now, trying to hold him back – “Please let go of him!”

“You’re a liar! You know what, I don’t care!” Isa continued screaming, “Go die! Go die if that’s what you want so badly! You never cared about me to start with!”

“Isa, I’m not–”

“Liar! You’re a liar!”

 

It’s always heart wrenching to see Isa cry, but especially now.

_ I’d trade everything in the world so I can protect you, Isa, but I… I just had to fuck it up, and… _

_ I just wanted him to be happy, and now… _

_ I’m… I’m never going to see him again, am I… _

~•~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Everything feels empty and cold.

Devoid of meaning.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Isa just lay on his bed, looking up at the ceiling.

Everything feels unreal. 

He’s been sinking in and out of consciousness – falling asleep for a second, or maybe a minute, or an hour, and then waking up again to realize that he’s alone.

Ryuuji’s no longer there for him,

And nobody will replace him.

 

He couldn’t help but feel like he should get up, do something–

But for what, for whom?

Does anything even have any meaning anymore?

 

Suddenly he heard the door click in the distance, and a bit of light entered his room.

Ah, yes,

He hasn’t seen light in a while. He’s mostly kept his room closed and dark, 

wanting to fall asleep and never wake up again.

 

And as he turned around, he couldn’t help but notice the familiar figure walking in.

“Ryuuji?”

 

Ryuuji walked up to his bed, standing over him.

His back was turned to face the light, so Isa couldn’t make out the expression in his face, but–

But is this real?

Isn’t Ryuuji… locked up somewhere, waiting to die?

Did he escape?

 

Isa noticed then the gleaming knife in Ryuuji’s hand–

As he raised it up, and brought it down, stabbing him in the chest.

 

“.......yes!!!”

For some reason, Isa couldn’t help but laugh.

Ryuuji pulled the knife out, and Isa could see ribbons of blood – his blood – splattered in the air–

It felt so strange, so satisfying.

 

“Kill me!”

 

And Ryuuji did, this time stabbing his knife at Isa’s stomach, twisting it, as if intent on tearing his guts out.

“This is the punishment I deserve, yes? For doing these horrible, horrible things to you?”

Ryuuji was silent as he pulled out his knife again, and Isa could see his guts spilling onto the bed, his blood wet and warm–

It didn’t hurt, for some reason.

He could feel the metal entering his body, could feel his blood draining, but no pain.

Ryuuji finally brought down his knife to stab Isa’s throat, cutting his airpipe – and as Isa tried to say something to him, he started coughing out globs of blood instead.

Isa slowly reached his hand towards Ryuuji, grabbing his arm–

Ryuuji abruptly paused then, bringing his hand to cup Isa’s cheek–

His hand felt warm, tender.

 

_ “I love you.” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“A spokesperson from the prime minister has confirmed that Ichijou Utsuro is dead. His body was found in his room this morning, after an apparent suicide–”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK U SO MUCH FOR FOLLOWING THIS EVERYONE!!!! also can u believe that in an attempt to make this better i did not make it better. but well tHANK YOU STILL!!!
> 
> (r u gon try to fix this again) no ofc not lmao


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